May 23, 2005

Patiently waiting for breakfast!!! Posted by Hello

My parents need a new alarm clock!!!

I tell you what -- it took ages to get mum and dad out of bed this morning. It was like trying to raise the dead! My stomach starts rumbling at about 6am. I want food! And I can't open those silly little packets myself. Believe me, I've tried! I've mastered opening the cupboards, and getting into the Jatz bickies if dad is silly enough to leave the packet out, but those little catfood packets, they've certainly made them cat-proof!

So for the past two weeks, mum's been on I've given her a bit of a break and let her sleep in. And I've tapped dad on the head instead...usually he gets up and feeds me and goes back to bed. And once my tummy's full, I can do the same.

This morning...well, I realised pretty quickly that mum had to go to work because her alarm went off and she hit the snooze button, looked at me, and turned over and went back to sleep. Tap, tap, tap. Well, a cat's only got so much patience, especially when his stomach's growling! Tap, tap, tap. TAP, TAP, TAP.

Okay, I'll try dad's side....WACK! Oh crap, probably shouldn't have had the claws out that time!


Better run down the stairs...but at least they're out of bed now!!!

Your furry friend, Dorkus

May 22, 2005

I could always try World Federation Wrestling for my 15 minutes of fame. Posted by Hello

Why wasn't I in the film?

So what's going on, hey? Mum and dad tell me they made a film today with a bunch of high school kids.

What about me? It isn't fair...I've had enough now I want my share...

Now I know that I didn't want to get out of bed this morning because it was really chilly when they left....but that's no reason to leave me out of the film. I'm the only star in this family. Really! They just don't give me the opportunity to prove I'm left here blogging.

But...(snigger, smirk)...mum tells me dad kept stuffing up all his lines in the film. They had to do take after take for him to get it right. Guess that will make one hell of a bloopers tape!
Moi...I'm a professional. I would've got it right on the first take. But of course, if I didn't like the script, I wouldn't do it. Unless they persuaded me with some goodies.

Oh, well, looks like I'll have to send in an audition tape to Big Brother after all.

Looks like I'm not going to be starring in Cool Bananas anytime soon....

It's a bit chilly this morning. Think I'll stay right here for now! Posted by Hello

May 20, 2005

How to find 15 minutes of TV fame?

The Australian Idol auditions are on at the moment. And I reckon I've got what it takes to be the next Aussie Idol. I can even put on the Guy Sebastian wig if they reckon I need an afro. (see picture below) Geez, I'd have to be better than some those wailers who get on TV! At least I'm cute! although I better start practicing my singing - I think What's New Pussycat? will be my audition piece.

Hang on! These auditions are in Sydney! I'm not getting into that dodgem car for 8 hours. And I'm certainly not going to fly! One flying experience was enough (and that's a story for another day!)

Looks like I'll just have to send in my tape to Australia's Funniest Home Videos instead. The one of dad sweeping me across the floor with the broom.

Or maybe I'll give Big Brother a call. They could do with a cat in THAT house!

Guy Sebastian - move over! Posted by Hello

May 19, 2005

I'm back on line!!! Posted by Hello

What was that all about?

What does my mother think she's playing at?

First she lets me go outside, but puts the cat cage on the ground. As if I'm going to get into that JAIL voluntarily! It usually means one thing -- a trip to the vet and a jab in the bum, or even worse, an ENEMA! Either way, I'm going to have a SORE BUM so I'm not going to fall for that one again!

Then dad tries to push me into the cage. It takes three attempts.
  1. They can't even get me through the door, especially when I ruffle up my fur.
  2. I do a quick spin around and run back out before dad's even had a chance to blink.
  3. They get me in and close the door. DAMN!

I better eat some more Whiskas. I'm almost too fat for the door of the cage. D'you think I keep demanding lunch for no reason? Three packs of Whiskas singles a day should just about get me to the ideal cat weight. Besides, if mum and dad can have 3 meals a day, I don't see why I should STARVE!

So I'm in the cage, and they stick me in that noisy machine that mum calls her dodgem car. I hear that dogs love them but then again, dogs have no style. I protest loudly but she just tells me to shush, it'll be alright. 'We're not going to the vet.' We'll see about that.

She drives for about 5 minutes and then pulls over and lets me out of the jail, throwing my prison to the back of the car. Odd! she never lets me out of the cage until the vet is ready to see me. But I don't think we're at the vet. There's a vacant bit of land with trees and a house opposite. Although it could be a vet. Some of those brick buildings look nice and friendly from the outside, but then you get inside and a man in a white coat ambushes you. And before you know it, YOWL -- sore bum! But I can't see any signs with that three letter word *V*E*T*. I can't even seen a sign with a big bloody expletive - you know the one - VETERINARY. Maybe I'm safe after all.

She tells me to have a look for koalas, pointing to a bunch of trees. What is a koala? One of those caramello things she eats, maybe she's hoping one will fall out of the trees. She tells me that they're cute grey cuddly things, and I turn up my nose in disgust. Cute! I'm the only cute cuddly thing here. And I suddenly have a flashback to a couple of koalas on television. Cute and cuddly - pig's bum! They had claws a lot sharper and nastier than mine and they can yowl worse than any tom cat I know.

There is this sudden ringing noise and she puts this red and white thing to her ear. I'm out of here. I cower down and crawl under her seat and don't move. Oh dear, what's she doing? She's turned the noisy beast on again, and we're going somewhere else.

She stops again and turns off the car and I hold my breath. What is she up to? She's obviously decided that she won't be able to sell me on ebay and she's going to chuck me out of the car to find a new home. I'll be very very quiet, under the seat -- maybe she'll forget I'm here. She won't be able to pull me out of here in a hurry anyway. I fall asleep.

I wake up a while later and crawl out of my dark hidy hole, winding myself around her leg. I jump up on the seat and look out the window. This does look like a nice place to live but I'm not going to live here without my mum. Lots of trees and yum, birds. My stomach rumbles. I tread carefully over the handbreak into the back of the car and walk around my cage, sniffing. Doesn't look like there's any food around, and its a good thing I don't need my kitty litter yet. Because it ain't here. Mum's reading a book, but she keeps looking at the phone thingy and sighing. Might as well curl up behind her foot.

The phone rings again and I hear her say that its getting ridiculous. She's not kidding. Why are we sitting in the dodgem car? I can't work out what's going on...and then she goes back to her book and I sleep again.

I wake up and realise we're moving again and the silly phone is ringing. I stand up and look out the window and watch the world go by. She pulls up and dad hands a bottle of coke in the window and then we're off again. Are we going to live in the car now?

Finally, finally, we've been sitting in the car and it's getting dark. Even though she put my bed in the car with us, I prefer to be right behind her feet, that way I can jump out too if she makes a run for it. And then dad hops in the passenger seat of the car? Where did he come from? We drive off, and next thing, he's hopping out. I stand up and take a good look around. I'd know that driveway anyway. Yaay, we're home! But then the neighbour's car drives in and she pushes my head down so I can't be seen.

So when I finally get through the door, I head straight for the kitty litter. And mum gives me some food. Oh, there's no place like home!!!

But I still have no idea what she was up to!

Anyone have any ideas?

I'm ready to CAT-a-BLOG! Posted by Hello